I've got a pretty good strike rate of keeping promises made to others, but I'm basically hopeless at keeping those I frequently make to myself. My one big victory in the last few years was quitting smoking, and even that was ultimately done more for Jenn than for me. Not that I didn't want to quit; I just didn't want it enough to do it for me. It's this weird inability to hold myself accountable for things that are genuinely important to me that has ultimately left me somehow unable to do those things I always tell myself I'm going to several times each year, like drop the extra twenty pounds I added while Jenn was pregnant (I dropped ten not long after Ryan was born, but they returned with reinforcements), or stop drinking alone (I did quit drinking more or less completely between January and September of this year, but once Ryan arrived, my bad habits were quick to re-assert themselves, albeit on a much reduced level), or even write that novel I'm always saying is going to arrive this year (the closest I got was MiNoWriMo, a project that was placed on indefinite hold at the 15k mark by baby-driven lack of sleep and some pretty epic levels of work-related stress. Writing does many things for me, but helping me relax isn't one of them).

This year, I'm doing things a bit differently. The little things like losing weight and drinking less and not taking quite as many painkillers for my frequent headaches, all that stuff is going under the heading of health, and I'm making a promise that from now on I'm going to be a little healthier so that my son can grow up with a dad this freaking awesome instead of what I got, which was some nice memories and too much time spent wondering how people can make such poor choices when other people depend on them. As for the big things, there are three that I am resolving will happen this year, one way or another.

1. I will write a novel. Whether it's finishing the MiNoWriMo project or starting something completely new, I will get something finished, I will get it edited properly, and then I think I'm going to take a run at this self-publishing thing, maybe under a pen-name or something fun like that.

2. I will get the hell out of customer service. I'll get a promotion, I'll start a new career, I'll sell my fat little body on the street. I'll do whatever it takes to not do this anymore. I am sick to death of the stress, the awful management, the cringeworthy and fake culture built around buzzwords and faux-camaraderie that hides the true motives of bitchy, gossipy, self-centered co-workers just itching to start up the next little drama and watch each other fail. The whole scenario is everything I never wanted to be a part of and it's turning me into someone I dislike. I have made some terrible career choices over the last few years, and it's time I changed that habit before I'm no longer able to.

3. I will get out of California. In retrospect, buying a house was a pretty dumb move. We fell into that whole, "Oh, it'll be a nest egg for your future!" mentality and ended up stuck with a starter home we've already outgrown. Besides that, one of the awesome things about moving here was the opportunity to see different parts of a vast and insanely varied country. It seems absolutely crazy to waste that opportunity by getting anchored in a place like Orange County. I don't want that for myself, my wife, or my kid. Something's gotta change, and this is the year it's going to happen.

Mixed emotions again this year. In many ways, this has been the most incredible year of my life, and those of you that know me well know that I've had some pretty big ones. Having a son is as life-changing an experience as you can possibly have, and it's been twelve months of elation and exhaustion. At the same time, though, it's made me realize that I really need to grow up about a few things and start making some adult decisions about what I want to do with the rest of my life and what values I want to not only teach my son, but embody. I guess the biggest thing about being a dad is that it really makes you have to decide what those eyes are going to see when they look at you eighteen years from now. I'm the first to admit that I don't know exactly what that looks like, but I know it isn't some embittered guy hawking smoothies at the mall, sucking down Jack Daniel's in front of the TV, and lamenting never having a chance at grand ambitions he never really took a proper shot at.

I suppose I should also probably resolve to be less harsh on myself in 2012. Happy New Year, friends. I hope it treats you well.